"Staying Together For The Kids"...Who Really Benefits?

I have treated hundreds of clients in my 10 years of practicing therapy and I must say that I am convinced that one's upbringing has an enormous impact on their future issues in relationships, and with various addictions. Let's face it, we have an addicted society here in the US. People will use anything and more to escape their "realities"....and the age when addictions start is getting younger and younger, no matter what one's faith or background. Neither religion nor other forms of societal control can stop it..... but you and I can. It starts at home. It is not television, it's not video games, it's not friends. Yes these absolutely play a part at some point. However, it truly begins with mom and dad (or dad and dad, mom and mom). It starts with one's parental figures. The research on trauma points to this. The research on sexual addictions and other addictions points to this. When I hear couples on the verge of divorce and fighting constantly (as well as sleeping in separate rooms, not showing any affection or attention, being disrespectful in front of the kids) say that they are "staying together for the child(ren)" my first response is "Who really benefits from this?" followed by, "Do you realize what you are teaching your child about relationships?" About how to treat their partner?"

People do not realize the impact they are having on their children.

I work with adults mainly because I used to get frustrated when parents would bring their child or teen into see me saying they had issues when the parents were the one with the issues! The child/teen was literally acting out as a way to cope with the chaos at home. So now, I work with adults and couples who once were the children needing therapy as a result of the chaos from home.

Please know that I am not saying there aren't any good parents out there. I know there are good parents as well as adjusted children and adults. I have actually met them. However, I am a therapist who treats trauma and addictions; this is my focus...finding out the origin of The Trauma Wound and assisting my clients in healing. I deal with the dark side of life on a daily basis with the hope of shedding light on my client's futures...

Many clients feel guilty acknowledging that their parents failed them in many ways as children. Some say, "Now that I am an adult, I don't want to use what my parents did or didn't do or how they treated me as an excuse for my current life choices and struggles." I certainly agree that as adults we are accountable for how we choose to live and what we choose to do. This is different, however, from acknowledging that when they were a child and being sexually, physically, emotionally, etc. abused and/or neglected by one or more family members and one or both parents didn't do anything, their parents indeed failed them (in more ways than one, and by staying together, if one of the primary caregivers was in fact the abuser; or by not doing anything if others in the household were responsible for abuse).

Children are so intuitive...little sponges that take in what they sense as much as what they see and hear. We all were tuned in at some point in our lives, most often before the trauma occurred, and maybe even more tuned in now as a result of past traumatic events. Parents need to take more time to check in with their kids; ask them how THEY feel about their home life, friends, siblings, the news and national events (recent shooting, for instance), and how they are being affected by all of these factors. Parents need to remind their kids that there is an open door policy to talking about anything. I mean anything, literally. Why? Children have access to SO much these days; home deserves to be a safe place for them to retreat from the scary world where porn is accessed by 1/3 of all American Teens while doing their homework.

So for parents that are struggling in their relationship, my advice is this: Go talk to a trained professional and work on your issues. That way if you end up deciding to stay "for the children", everyone (kids included) will likely agree that this is truly the best thing to do.

Namaste~

Feeling Safe and Empowered in Times of Tragedy

The recent tragedy in Connecticut that left 20 children and 6 adults dead has stirred up feelings of intense emotional unrest. Several of my clients have shared worrying about their children going to school; some have shared a desire to stand outside of their children’s classrooms to ensure they are safe. As I have listened and attempted to console my client’s worry and sadness (as well as their feelings of guilt and relief that it wasn’t their children’s school), I recognize how easy it is to get emotionally engulfed in fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of strangers, fear of death, fear of the dark, fear of tragedy, fear of poverty, etc., etc.

I wonder, do we really live in an “unsafe world?” And if so, how can I assist both my clients and myself to be mindful of the possibilities of daily tragedies while at the same time learning to see fear as a gift?

In his book, The Gift of Fear (1997), Gavin De Becker teaches the empowering tools of trusting one’s intuition to stay safe (p. 25). He asserts, “Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk (p.25). De Becker adds, “Intuition is the journey from A to Z without stopping at any other letter along the way. It is knowing without knowing why” (De Becker, 1997, p. 25).

I am not saying that the adults or children in the school in Connecticut could have done something to stay alive on that tragic day. What I am saying is that all too often, we don’t trust our feelings of fear to help keep us safe. De Becker (1997) gives numerous examples in his books of individuals that either had their lives put at risk or were killed because they didn’t trust their intuition to not open a package, not open the door for a stranger, lock their car/house doors, etc.(p. 74).

The reality is that we do live in an unsafe world where bad things happen to good people every day. However, there are things we can do to keep ourselves safe, and not get consumed by fear.

The Messengers of Intuition are ways that, according to De Becker (1997), our body sends messages that something is not right. Examples include: A sense of fear without knowing why, persistent thoughts, a nagging feeling, gut feelings, doubt, hesitation, questioning (p.75).

I have taken the tragedy in Connecticut as a reminder that I don’t have to be engulfed by fear. I can feel empowered to trust my intuition, which at times may include feeling afraid, to keep my senses heightened to potentially dangerous situations that may lie ahead.

I have also encouraged my clients to also stay mindful of their surroundings and their children’s surroundings but to not forget that even if our world feels unsafe, there is safety among us, and ways to ensure we continue to stay safe. My hope is that we can each learn from the daily tragedies that occur and work together to create more community connection and safety. We truly can have peace in our lifetime if we learn to trust ourselves and those around us to accomplish this pretty simple task.

In January and February 2013, I will be offering a 2-part series introducing my workbook titled "Mastering the Trauma Wound™". I will be teaching individuals mindful techniques (including trusting one's inner wisdom and intuition) for mastering past trauma so that they can have a healthy relationship with themselves and others.

Namaste~

Sexual Anorexia and Sexual Aversion Disorder

As a therapist that specializes in trauma and addictions (namely sexual and relationship addictions), I have come across a multitude of issues that people face related to their sexuality. During the last few years, there has been a lot of media attention on pornography addiction and other sexual addictions. However, there has not been a lot of press on Sexual Anorexia or Sexual Aversion Disorder. I am seeing an increase in both of these in my practice, as well as an understanding that in one’s sexual addiction, they can have periods of sexual anorexia (usually after they sexually act out due to guilt and shame).

The question is, what exactly is Sexual Anorexia? What is Sexual Aversion Disorder? Finally, could you or your partner have one of these issues?

Sexual Anorexia:

Avoiding anything sexual due to a fundamental terror of one’s own sexuality; this includes a deeply felt hatred for one’s sexual feelings.

Classic components of sexual anorexia include a history of trauma along with deprivation from primary care-givers.

A person with sexual anorexia may have episodes where they “binge” which include acting out sexually. This is often followed by sexual anorexia due to feelings of guilt and shame for acting outside of one’s value system.

Sexual Aversion Disorder:

Sexual Aversion Disorder in the DSM-IV-TR (2000) is defined as: A persistent or recurrent extreme aversion to, and avoidance of, all (or almost all) genital sexual contact with a partner. The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

Typically, with Sexual Aversion Disorder, there is a pattern of resisting anything sexual, continuing this pattern even though the person knows it is destructive, going to extreme efforts to avoid sexual contact at all costs including self-mutilation, distorting one’s appearance, aversive behavior; rigid, judgmental attitudes toward their own sexuality and the sexuality of others, extreme shame and self loathing of sexual experiences, the aversion affects relationships, work, friends, well-being, they obsess about sex so much that it interferes with daily living, they may have episodes of sexual bingeing and sexual compulsivity.

Could you or your partner have sexual anorexia or Sexual Aversion Disorder?

This is a great question and one that can only can be answered through obtaining a thorough assessment with a trained professional. I am shocked at how many therapists treat sexual addictions and Sexual Aversion Disorder while lacking any adequate training in this very specialized field. Make sure you seek help from someone who specializes in the field of sexual addiction.

Treatment Options:

At Namaste Consulting, LLC, I provide individuals with a thorough assessment process to determine early childhood trauma and current trauma bonding behaviors. Clients are administered the Post Traumatic Stress Inventory-Revised created by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., and we explore the significant factors in one’s current relationships that may be impacting sexuality. Client’s are also encouraged to meet with their primary care physician to rule out any medical issues. Couples therapy can be useful in exploring the relationship dynamics that may be impacting the primary client’s aversion to healthy sexuality.

If you would like to schedule an assessment, please contact Candice at 240-257-6463. Healing is possible!

Eating Disorders 101

The statistics on Eating Disorders are mind-blowing: -24 million Americans, 1 million of which are men and boys, have an eating disorder in the US. Seventy-million people worldwide suffer from an eating disorder (The Renfrew Center Foundation for Eating Disorders)

-90 percent of those who have eating disorders are females between the ages of 12 and 25 (SAMHSA)

-91 percent of women on college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting (Kurth, Krahn, Nairn, Drewnowski, 1995).

-Five million women and 3 million men are believed to have a Binge Eating Disorder (BED) in the US (ANAD.org)

The new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual on Mental Disorders will be adding a new diagnosis to the current eating disorder list: Binge Eating Disorder. Although Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa have both been researched extensively, many people still do not understand what these disorders entail, including the new Binge Eating Disorder diagnosis.

This article provides a brief description of warning signs to look for to determine whether your loved one has an eating disorder.

According to the DSM IV-TR, Anorexia Nervosa is defined as: A refusal to maintain a body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for a person's age and height; Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though a person is underweight; Distorted body image; failure to menstruate for 3 consecutive months. Individuals with Anorexia will refuse to eat and deny hunger, avoid eating in public, excessively exercise, especially after they have eaten, and weigh themselves repeatedly throughout the day. Someone with anorexia may be irritable, get dizzy, at times pass out, black out, or fall because of extreme hunger and malnourishment, be very thin (85% below normal body weight), have the shakes, and be tired a lot. Anorexia Nervosa can create very dangerous life threatening physical complications including heart failure.

Bulimia Nervosa is defined as: Binge eating within a 2 hour period, usually of mass food consumption of sweets or fatty foods followed by compensatory measures to prevent weight gain such as the use of laxatives, diuretics, excessive exercise, vomiting, enemas; a sense of a loss of control over eating, distorted body image. This typically lasts 3 months. Individuals with Bulimia Nervosa may go to the bathroom during a meal or right afterwards, be obsessed with exercise, have teeth and gum problems, trouble with swallowing, damage to the throat and esophagus due to acid, damage to stomach lining and other gastrointestinal problems, problems with bowels and digestion; scabs on their fingers from vomiting. This is also a very dangerous disorder than can be life threatening. Individuals have died as a result of tearing their esophagus due to vomiting.

Binge Eating Disorder is defined as: Eating large amounts of food even when one is full and during all times of the day/night; isolating when binge-eating in order to keep it a secret; feeling out of control and a lot of shame when eating large amounts of food. Individuals may restrict food when they are among family, then binge when alone on large amounts of food, to the point of making themselves ill. They typically have depression along with the BED that needs to be treated. Heart problems as well as other major health risks can result from this disorder.

When to get help?

Eating disorders are often life threatening. Unfortunately, an individual with and eating disorder may be resistant to getting the help they need because of the intense fear associated with change (i.e., fear of getting fat, fear of giving up "control", fear of dealing with deeper emotions). Family members can assist in this process by being a support to their loved one, making them an important part of the treatment process.

Seeking the right level of care is critical, since eating disorders are life threatening. At Namaste Consulting, LLC, I will do an assessment with you to determine if outpatient therapy is appropriate for you. Many of the clients that work with me also have a nutritionist and doctor with whom they meet with regularly to ensure they are getting all their treatment needs met. If a higher level of care is appropriate, I will support you in providing a referral and follow up. Contact me today to schedule an assessment: 240-257-6463. Help is just a call away.

Women and Porn

Pornography is rampant in America. Why?? Access, affordability, anonymity, contact. It is believed that 2/3 of American teens look at pornography while they study for school. There are 1.3 billion porn sites on-line. Sex is the number 1 topic for internet searches! This tidal wave has hit our culture, and it is impacting families by the millions. What about women...do women view porn? YES.

According to the 2008 Internet Pornography Statistics, 30% of pornography consumers are women. One study showed that 17% percent of the women surveyed admitted to struggling with some sort of porn addiction. Women can become addicted to pornography just like men. They now have easier access, can remain anonymous, and continue to present as the "good girl" in society, while maintaining a secret lifestyle on-line.

So, why is pornography SO addicting?

A Biological Component: According to the Coolidge Effect, men, and to a lesser degree women, gain renewed sexual interest once they are introduced to a new stimuli. Whereas the brain's satiate mechanism typically says "stop, I've had enough", pornography's images overrides this mechanism, leaving the brain to continue to stay "turned on". The neurotransmitter Dopamine, the "gotta get it" drug that motivates craving for pleasure, continues to surge, leaving individuals, men and women, seeking a continued rush from superficial images.

Psychological Component: Along with this, over 70% of individuals with porn and sexual addictions came from dysfunctional childhoods where there was substance abuse, physical, sexual, emotional abuse and/or neglect. Many people that turn to pornography and sex as a means of alleviating shame, guilt, emptiness, and pain. The "thrill of the rush" becomes the addiction more than sex. Viewing porn is a "safe" way, according to the addict, to get their sexual needs met without the risk of being rejected or abandoned. But at what cost?

What are the consequences of porn, particularly for women? Like men, viewing pornography can affect women's relationships. The thrill of the hunt to create a live fantasy from the image on the screen can strain relationships, while creating sexual scenarios that women may regret engaging in afterwards.

Along with this, since no one can compete with the images on the screen, we have seen an increase in plastic surgery over the last 15 years among female high school and college students. Women as young as 16 are asking their fathers for breast implants. It has become the norm rather than the exception for women of all ages to spend millions of dollars on plastic surgery, botox, make-up and clothes in an attempt to compete with the "ideal" porn star.

Nowadays, more and more women are engaging in more sexually risky behaviors in an attempt to alleviate feelings of emptiness, stress, and emotional pain from childhood trauma. Cheating, indiscriminate partners, one night stands, jumping from relationship to relationship, chat lines, participating in creating one's own porn, are some examples of risky behaviors that need to be addressed.

So what can be done? If you are a female and believe you have a pornography addiction or a sexual addiction, there is help. You may contact me today for an assessment. Individual and group therapy, 12 step work, education, abstinence,and a strong support network are key in relieving you of the pain of your past, and creating healthier lifestyle and relationships, free from pornography and sexual addiction.

Start your healing today. Call Candice Christiansen, LPC to schedule an assessment: 240-257-6463.