It seems like grief sneaks up on us during times when we least expect it. The overwhelming array of feelings attached can seem unbearable so what do we do? We avoid it altogether.
Take a moment, if you will, and ask yourself this: “Do I ever really make time to grieve over ANYTHING?” In American culture especially, we are encouraged to always appear as though our lives are perfect so much so that we have created a generation who is addicted to taking a dozen selfies of themselves every five minutes.While I poke fun at millennials, in all seriousness, they are simply mirroring our reality. Most of us hate dealing with grief. I know I do…
John and Julie Gottman are experts in researching what makes marriages last. They can determine whether or not a couple will stay married in just 15 minutes, with over 85% accuracy. Having researched over 3000 couples of various ages and sexuality over 32 years, they have studied various couples and have found what makes or breaks a relationship (Gottman, Making Marriage Work, 2006). They followed some couples for 20 years. Those who stayed married were called “masters” while those who got divorced or stayed together but were miserable were called the “disasters.” After following couples for fourteen years they were able to determine if and when a couple would get divorced (Gottman, audibles, 2006).
Last week I had the honor of witnessing the best couples therapy session of my entire career. This beautiful, fragile couple who has had so much betrayal, devastation, and hurt, sat facing one another, both tearful and raw. The spouse who has the addictions expressed empathy, humility, tenderness, and compassion for the first time towards his partner, who has been through so much and was so tired. I sat quietly most of the session paying witness to this beautiful site as he talked softly to her, validating her pain, asking how he could support her, and listening to her concerns. It was something that as addiction specialists, we hope to witness with all of our couples.
One of the most challenging obstacles (and ultimately, opportunities) in recovery is for people to be 100% accountable for their actions, betrayals, lies, manipulations, decisions, and choices. Even after being in recovery for awhile, people often continue to struggle to be accountable; some tend to get in a cycle of perpetually blaming others for their actions.
I have always been afraid of water. One of my most terrifying memories of being in the water was when I was 10 years old at a water park with my mom, aunt and cousins. I almost drowned in the Tidal Wave. As I braced for impact, the waves pushed me into the darkness. My body tensed up and as I gulped down water in between gasping for air, I was convinced I would die. Luckily someone (I don't recall who) helped me to safety. For years I avoided the water; large bodies especially. I was never a good swimmer so getting in a pool let alone ocean was daunting even with a life jacket. I also avoided snorkeling as I felt claustrophobic and panicked, holding my body tight, waiting for the inevitable fear that my body had held onto for all those years; the fear that I would drown.
